Death Noodle

Sometimes things happen in Hong Kong, not often mind you, that are so wonderfully bizarre you can almost forgive the ubiquitous French bankers, flying, thumb-sized cockroaches and, well, Lan Kwai Fong.

Such an occasion occurred last Thursday, when a blogger, activist and local, Tom Grundy, attempted a citizen’s arrest of Tony Blair as he took the stage at Hong Kong University.

It was probably the most polite and peaceful citizen’s arrest attempt you’re ever likely to see, but fair play to him for trying. As Grundy explains in his blog, Tony the Lionheart was about to begin spouting his usual torrent of egotistical, self-righteous claptrap to the assembled masses, this time with a focus on faith and the part it has played in his life.

Presumably Blair’s approach to faith goes a little something like this:

TB: So, God. Ya’know, I’ve been talking to George and we really think, ya’know, that it would be for the best if we invaded Iraq.

God: Well, that doesn’t sound very Christian Tony. I mean, I’m pretty much over all that angry Old Testament stuff now. What have they done to you?

TB: Well, we think there might be some weapons an’ that, cos, ya’know, it’s pretty obvious that there’s a bad egg in charge there and….well, I just wanted to let ya know, anyway. Good talking. Kthanksbye.

God: Tony? Tony? TONY!!!

Anyway, take a look at the video to see the Blair Tit Project squirm, ever so slightly, before regaining his composure and spouting some drivel about how “that’s democracy for ya folks” and “I’m pretty used to this sort of thing”.

Minor footnote. If “this sort of thing” is getting pretty common nowadays, maybe it’s time to start thinking about getting a decent lawyer mate.

I personally am looking forward to the day that Teflon Tony is forced into Polanski-style exile from the West. Even though he probably couldn’t care less if a few countries put out arrest warrants for him, at least it would limit the number of places he can take his preachy, after-dinner speaking road-show.

I’ve just spotted this curious little China Daily article from a couple of months back. Can’t remember how. I think someone tweeted a link to it – that’s usually how it starts. Anyway, the report detailed in the piece reveals an astounding stat: there could be as many as 16 million women married to gay men in China. Or to put it another way, there could be 16 million gay Chinese men living what I believe is technically called ‘a lie’.

Wowzers. How did the Qindao university professor who arrived at the figure, er, arrive at the figure, you may ask? Well, we don’t know because the Daily chooses not to tell us. But we can probably trust him because he is, after all, a “leading expert”. It just turns out that it’s not in the complex socio-sexual lifestyles of gay Chinese men, it’s in HIV and AIDS. Hmmm. Considering hacks can now be struck off and imprisoned in China for reporting stories not fully grounded in truth or reality, one the face of it this would seems a pretty risky piece.

Now I’m not disputing the stat. In fact, I find it eminently believable that in China, where homosexuality is not illegal anymore (since 1997) but is more than just a little frowned upon, there are a lot of unhappy men who feel they have been coerced by societal/family pressure into marrying birds.

If you’re in any doubt about the prevailing Chinese attitude towards homosexuality, have a closer read of the piece, which concentrates for the most part of the plight of the poor wifies.

“Most gay men’s wives I’ve known are silently suffering at the hands of husbands who couldnever love them, and like me, some even got abused by husbands who were also under greatpressure,” says the ex-wife of a gay man. Hmmm, seems a slightly extreme example to put in the story.

Then there’s Mr professor who is quoted as saying “their wives are struggling to cope and their plight should be recognised.”

Not the most balanced piece in the world. But then again this is China, where homosexuality is viewed for the most part as something decadent foreigners do.

In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if the Party began briefing journalists that gay men represent a threat to social order and a potential national security risk. Imagine if they found their way into the PLA? We all know the gays can’t shoot straight.

China Daily saves the best till last with the poignant vignette of gay student Wang Zi (not his real name, but a fantastically chosen one by the paper).

Wang says he will never tell his folks about his sexual orientation.

“I may marry a lesbian and we can keep going with our own lifestyle more honestly,” he adds.

More honestly? Blimey.

I studied a bit of critical theory at university. Didn’t much like it at the time although since have found it a great way of sounding intelligent at parties and intellectualising blog posts about Hollywood movies (I’m getting there…). To that end, did you hear the one about the Chinese censors who chopped chunks out of Men In Black 3 deemed unsuitable for the local cinema-going audience?

Yeah, it’s not all about online censorship you know? Sometimes Chinese citizens are also cheated out of literally minutes of priceless movie because of a few over-zealous snippers.  In said film, the censors’ gripe was primarily with the scenes in which the strong, effortlessly cool and assured American heroes subdue some angry looking Chinese alien baddies. Apparently it makes the People’s Republic look bad so it had to go.

The Party has decide to act, as usual, in that half-patronising, half-sinister manner we’ve come to know  and love – like Tony Blair but he knows where you live – whilst wrongly assuming that a film like Men In Black is likely to inspire social disorder. It hasn’t stopped the government before, though, cutting Chow Yun-fat’s nasty pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean and even finding offence with some of the Karate Kid. A call to arms for society these pics are not…

It’s not quite on the same scale of mass social harm meted out via the Great Firewall, of course, but you get the picture.

Oh yeah, my particular favourite story in all this is the scene that was cut which depicts Will Smith’s character ‘neuralyzing’ a street full of gawping Chinese passers-by to wipe their memories. Too redolent of the Chinese government’s own more subtle attempts to control the thoughts of its citizens, apparently. If there’s one thing the Party hates it’s when people draw attention to the fact that it’s censoring content – I can imagine how emasculating that must be for an authoritarian regime.

Chinese censors censoring a film because it might tip off the public that it is involved in mass censorship? This is definitely post post-postmodernism….

Foreigners are having a bit of a tough time of it in that there China at the moment. Thank goodness Death Noodle is insulated from the madness in Hong Kong.

First the government expelled poor old Melissa Chan and shut down Al Jazeera’s Beijing operations, then announced a crack down on illegal foreign nationals living and/or working in the People’s Republic, then there was the highly entertaining but insane xenophobic ramblings of supposedly respected CCTV presenter Yang Rui.

If you haven’t heard all about Yang’s moment of madness then I direct you to Shanghaiist, suffice to say he apparently called Chan a ‘bitch’ and called on the terrifying Public Security Bureau to “clean out the foreign trash” in a weibo post that would probably have had him arrested for inciting racial hatred … if this wasn’t China.

As it is, the cumulative effect of all of this anti-foreigner sentiment is to galvanise the Party’s authority once again by ploughing a tried and tested route. That is, cracking down on illegals who “come over here, take our jobs, bed our women” whilst tapping into the narrative of Chinese history which portrays the years since the Communist revolution in 1949 as payback time after centuries of foreign misrule and subjugation.

Unfortunately, there are enough foreign tools knocking about in China that have made the government’s job very easy. Witness the British man who was pummelled after apparently trying to assault a Chinese girl on a Beijing street, or the (now sacked) Russian cellist who called a local lass a “silly cunt” after kicking the back of her train seat. You can read about them all here.

Why now though? There have always been foreign dicks in China. Well, funnily enough, before all of this anti laowai nonsense started clogging up social media, you may remember the Party was having a bit of a torrid time of it.

First there was the highly embarrassing Bo Xilai scandal and all the coup rumours that accompanied it (still to be full resolved) and then the even more emasculating Chen Guangcheng saga (which again is rolling on, thanks to the treatment meted out to his relatives and supporters).

With all the subtlety of a Mandelson/Campbell one-two, the Party is deflecting attention for its shortcomings on to a few ignorant foreigners. It’s PR 101 really, and unfortunately it appears to be working pretty well inside China, where, of course, only one side of any story is told.

Now, for those who thought xenophobia was all doom and gloom, comes this wonderful tale from Foreign Policy, which perfectly exposes the hilarious side of endemic racism.

Apparently in China, there is a phenomenon whereby Chinese companies hire white western men part-time in order to sit front of office or join meetings, in order to add an air of international sophistication to proceedings or to play better with potential foreign investors.

This has been taken a wee bit further by the below company, who wrote to the article’s author requesting specifically fluent Mandarin-speaking, Ivy League-educated, Jewish guys. Read and marvel.

I hope all is going well with you. The reason I’m contacting you is because today I had a meeting with a contact of mine (deleted) who asked me for some assistance in finding people for some part-time work in Beijing. Essentially they are in the business of (deleted.) They are looking for some Americans to act as assistants in meetings with potential investors, and essentially act as the “white face” to give some more credibility to the project. He said it would need assistance for about 3-4 meetings per month, maybe more, maybe less – it all depends on how the business goes. Of course this will be a paid job, but I have not discussed any payment amount or payment terms so you would have to negotiate that yourself.

The first requirement of the job is that you must be an advanced Mandarin Chinese speaker, since the meetings will all be with Chinese people. Also men only, no females. The other requirement is that you must have some sort of background that Chinese people typically value. My contact is (deleted) and is slightly obsessed with Jewish people and thinks they are the smartest, so he naturally prefers this person to be Jewish. If he can’t get someone Jewish, he would also like someone who went to a famous university — Harvard, Yale, etc. Besides those 2 qualifications, I’m sure he’d be happy with someone who has some sort of connection to someone famous or important, or maybe someone who is really tall and handsome. Basically any characteristic that Chinese people are impressed by – he is looking for in this person. Of course it wouldn’t hurt if this person was good-looking, well-dressed, etc. – I think you can get it.  (deleted).