World War BoJo: Big Posh Sod lands in Hong Kong

18 Oct

boris johnson routemasterYou know how life sometimes decides to piss royally on your cornflakes? So it was with poor old Hong Kong this week.

Now citizens of this schizophrenic little outcrop of China have had to cope with many trials and tribulations over the past 100+ years. Typhoons, fires, cholera, SARS and even an outbreak of the plague close to where I now reside, have all tested the resilience of its people to the limit. That’s not even to mention British colonial rule, and today, an invasion of a different kind by hordes of cash-rich, ill-mannered mainland tourists.

I get the sense Hong Kongers were just about coming to terms with all life had thrown at them when this happened…

Boris in HK

(image: ITV)

Yup, BoJo’s in town gaffe-ing his way around the SAR with his usual aplomb, as part of a 5-day trade visit to China.

One of the new London Routemasters formed one of Boris’ centrepiece photo opportunities in HK. I believe the London mayor is keen to export the idea of a Boris Bus to other countries, although things didn’t get off to a brilliant start here after it was apparently stuck on the cargo boat for several hours after breaking down.

Undeterred the politician who is defined more by his photo opps than any actual policies took to the air in an open-doored helicopter for an Apocalypse Now style sweep across the city, golden mane twirling effortlessly above him.

BJ met George Osborne, who’s been on a similar mission in China seemingly designed to say in BIG capitals: “sorry for hosting the Dalai Lama last year, let’s forget about that and all that human rights nonsense and get as many of you rich sods over to the UK spending your MONEY!”

So it was that dear Gideon declared there is no limit on the number of Chinese students that can study in the UK – hint, hint – and that visa rules for Chinese tourists would be simplified.

Now I’ve got no problem with encouraging rich social elites who probably accrued their wealth illegally in countries which pay little or no heed to human rights to come to the UK to kick-start our economy. You know, cos they sort of owe us anyway for letting them have back Hong Kong even though we’d already named ALL the roads and built loads of stuff there…

I do have a slight issue with the idea that there could be no limit to the number of Chinese students studying in the UK, however. For a Chancellor of the Exchequer, Mr Osborne is displaying a worrying lack of aptitude for simple mathematics.

There are roughly around 1.4 billion people in China, and a fair proportion of them have the financial means to send their kids abroad to study. However, at the last count, there were fewer than 600,000 undergraduate places available in England, Wales and Northern Ireland.

Apparently 130,000 Chinese are already studying in the UK – although not all on university courses. Let’s see how friendly Georgey boy is to the Middle Kingdomers when that number doubles, or triples over the next few years.

That said, given the trade and investment deals struck with China this week, the UK will soon have no option but to brush off its haughty post-colonial attitudes as Chinese banks and nuclear power stations start popping up all over the People’s Republic of Great Britain.

Transform This!

BoJo’s flying visit at least seems to be going down better with the locals that that of Hollywood director Michael Bay, here in the city to film yet another Transformers film.

As he explained in a brief blog post, a meth’d-up, possible Triad took umbrage to his film crew and tried to shake them down for some “compensation” money – using an air conditioning unit as a stick and, well, there wasn’t a carrot.

Perhaps enraged not just by the methamphetamine coursing through his veins but the dreadful motion pictures Bay has inflicted on the world, the unnamed assailant tried to strike the director.

Bay continues:

That’s when the security jumped on him. But it took seven big guys to subdue him. It was like a Zombie in Brad Pitt’s movie World War Z—he lifted seven guys up and tried to bite them. He actually bit into one of the guards Nike shoe, insane. Thank god it was an Air Max, the bubble popped, but the toe was saved.

Thank god it was an Air Max Michael. Thank the sweet lord above.

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